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Them.. guanxi The relations to the daily in China: A history of flux and balance

I often have beautiful to repeat me that French and Chinese look alike a lot, he remains when same of numerous cultural differences that it is sometimes difficult to pass. Attest some reflections that came me continuation of it has simple events of life of every day intervening this weekend.

Of the facts of the daily life

Sunday, I had foreseen to return visit has a friend complicates enclosed. As she lives close to the 5eme peripheral, to pay a visit to him asks me has every time several hours of transportation. I are not able to therefore see it as often that I would like it, but when I make it, I don't feel it at all as a constraint.
This Sunday her, he seems that my friend felt a little guilty to make come me of as far whereas I had duties has make, and that it is of it that ensued the rest of the events.

We have passed the afternoon has debate all and nothing quietly, and notably of the boy-girl roles in the couples. My friend told to me for example that the men had to pay for the biggest part of the expenses done by their girlfriend when they left together, including clothes, meal, etc. I was shocked by this vision utilitarian that one often recovers in China. My Chinese friends have me confirms later than in fact, the girls often considered that their boyfriend had to of (nearly) all to pay to them... and also to carry their business:  for those that live in China, you will notice that one often sees the men carrying some bags has hand feminines, what is not an elucubration but the sign of the role that they play by their companion.

I was going to live the application of the theory actually a little later.
My friend had to leave in the center city, and his husband had to be going to drive it by car before leaving himself has his work. Naturally, they proposed me to take me. For me, it was well thus, I was going to be able to shorten my path as making me deposit has a station of bus or subway closer to my home. But my friend didn't have the same conception of the things that me. She wanted that his husband, after having deposited it, takes back me at home has the other tip of the city before leaving has his work! For me, he was out of the question that he makes one so big detour, whereas I could take a bus or a subway easily, and that I knew it very occupies. On the path, I have therefore insists so that they deposit me on a road or passed the buses that could transport me at home. My friend was distressed, but let me make. To reassure them, I sent them a small SMS while arriving at me telling to them that all was well happens and that it had been fast.
But queerly, a short time biting, my friend was called on my telephone to tell me that his husband was distressed of not me to have taken back at home. She also tells to me, has my my big astonishment:  "I admire you a lot of can have taken the bus thus, no my Chinese friends would not have made what you made, they would have benefitted of my husband's car to take back them." Astounded I answered to him while laughing that it was not when same an extraordinary exploit that to take the bus, and that his friends would probably have succeeded also has make it. But she repeated me his idea and tells to me that she was distressed. We discussed again shortly before to hang up, and it is she, as thinking has this phone call, that I tell to myself that something clochait.

Discovered some sense hides

It is true, it was so bizarre to tell me "I admire you a lot" and "I am distressed!" Nothing that I make to feel the need to phone me during 10 minutes whereas I had sent him a message to say that I had gone back well was strange.
I had already made a first step toward the understanding while finding it bizarre, but the second step was only accomplished with the help of other Chinese friends has that I expressed my questioning.

In fact, I understood that I had made serious cultural mistakes while wanting to be kind and to save to my friend's husband to take back me:

  I already had probably, even if it was in a least measure, made "lose the face" has my friend owing his husband while telling to him that his husband had a lot of work and that I didn't want to make lose him his time (especially as the morning, his husband already had to come with it my friend's parents somewhere before taking care of his own parents). Since the idea came of my friend, to contest it was not probably well, even for my part I had the impression that one transformed it a little in slave so.

  But especially, according to the explanations of my other Chinese friends, I had broken the balance in the flux of our friendship, of or my friend's phone call to try to re-establish it:  indeed, my friend felt indebted because I had come from afar, without counting a certain that I had him brings has other opportunities. The fact to be able to arrange has me his tour as making me take back by his husband allowed him to return has me his tour a service, and so to maintain the relation and his balance of round-trips. While refusing this gesture, I had not allowed him to help me, and of the stroke without wanting it I had created of his rating a stock of "royalties or debts of friendship" that unbalanced our relation. Of or apparently his phone call, to tell me that she was distressed. In fact she was distressed of cannot have returned I what she thought to owe me. While wanting to help it, I had actually put it in difficulty!

Another remark concerns his phone call and the Chinese manner to say the things in an indirect manner. In the beginning, she didn't tell to me for example,:  "I am distressed", but "My husband is distressed." In my opinion, his husband was rather happy and relieve of not me to have taken back, besides he didn't have at all proposes of takes back me and was not opposed has my proposition to take the bus or the subway. It was not therefore his husband, but her, that was distressed, as she told it to me toward the end of the phone call.
Then, I seized has the relecture of my Chinese friends that it was necessary to understand the "I admire you a lot" like a disguised reproach, even if it was probably a weak reproach, or rather the expression of a gene. She didn't admire me in anything to have succeeded has take the bus, naturally!! She expressed rather an incomprehension face has my conduct whereas his other friends, Chinese, they would have benefitted of the car to make itself/themselves bring back quietly.

While reliving this episode, I tell to myself that it is impressive to see how the cultures construct the sense of the relations in a completely different manner. As I explained it has my friends, at home if a friend wants to go back at home by bus not to disturb, one tries to convince it a little, but if him it is indeed his choice, one will let it make and one won't take care some anymore. There is not this history at all to maintain and to balance the flux of the relation, in any case, not in the case of small actions of the daily life! He seems me that in France, one doesn't take care to judge the choice and the life of the other, the balance is in the clean reasons has the individual, whereas in China, for small things as the example that I have given the balance is in the relation between the individuals, and not in the individuals themselves.

The problem, it is that to understand it in theory is a thing, but to arrive has apply it in is another, the proof with what I am arrived. Like what the adventure doesn't necessarily reside in the realization of "external" exploits, but can consist has very well "to live" another culture in the daily, and internally. It is in any case as well as I live my experience in China, like an interior adventure, the one of the exoticism of Segalen.